Inspiring people, delicious cuisine, motivational quotes – there are unlimited sources of admiration we can choose from.
But.. how often, did we choose ourselves as the source of that admiration?
I started this blog around two years ago with a great hope that my words can somehow uplifted the heart of others in a good, positive way. Because that’s how I see the world-uplifting.
Well, how I used to see it anyway.
I stopped writing after few months. So many heartbreaking things happened that I lost my inspiration, I lost my will to write. You see, the thing is, I wrote with my heart. While my words can describe, my heart is the one who leads the description. And I lost it.
I then forgot about this blog, and I forgot most of the things I ever posted. To be much more accurate, I forgot how I used to be. What kind of person I used to be.
Surprisingly, an email from WordPress reminded me.
Yesterday, when I read all of the things I ever wrote, I almost broke into tears. The first question I asked myself was what happened to me? Where is that girl came from? Who is she? I don’t know her.
She was such a source of admiration. She was strong, positive, looking up to inspire, loving, energetic – but the most important thing is that she didn’t give up even if the world tells her to.
It used to be way easier to cry when things are hard. Cry as hard as she wanted to, and brush it off when the tears stop. It used to be so easier too, to get up back when life kicks her down. She just need to kick herself up and get back up on her feet. It used to be simpler too, in understanding those who hurt her and leave her wounded as they like, just by telling herself that they were the pity one because they do not know how to care.
..And it used to be easier too, to not feeling lonely even when everybody left her.
I admire that girl.
I wanted to ask her how she cope with all of that. I wanted to ask her how she forgives when all she knew was hurt. I wanted to ask her why her dream is to inspire when the world only teach her what a let down is. I wanted to ask her how to not feel lonely in a sea full of people.
And most of all, I wanted to ask her if she is dissapointed with me.
With what I become.
But I know I can’t.
Because the girl I admire has gone. And I don’t know whether she will come back.
And honestly, I don’t have the confidence to bring her back.