The Thing About My Name

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I don’t exactly remember when it was, I think it was around 9 or 10 years ago when I created my nickname, SYE. I thought at that time I needed one for social media and stuffs, so I created it. Not that I hate my real name, I just think everyone needs at least one stage name you know, for internet things.

Of course, it wasn’t just SYE. My first nickname was Syezacx Russels. Back then, my boyfriend (whom now is an ex), his nickname was Izacx Russels. I don’t remember what it is exactly that inspires him for this name, but I think it was anime character or game character or something? Gosh, my memories sucks. Anyway, so..there was I, thinking what could be the best name that can be used to match up our name? (u know..couple things..always wants to match up with each other..I was just a kid, I didn’t knew any better LOL) I wanted the name to show he was mine too so it was a huge dilemma for me.

Then I found it, the perfect word, ‘SHE’. I wanted to put ‘SHE’ in his name Izacx Russels, so that it means ‘her Izacx Russels’, So I removed ‘I’ from it and put Sye, so it became Syezacx Russels. So there it was, my first nickname. I thought there was no such a big deal about a name, it’s just a name.

I was wrong.

When we broke up, I was so accustomed to that name that I wasn’t ready to let it go. I used that name for so many years so it was hard for me to just let it go. But I knew the real meaning to that name so it was really hard for me.

I know right, it’s just a name.

Wrong.

It’s not just the name, it’s the identity.

That SYE came from ‘her Izacx Russels’ but now that that’s gone, I knew that I have to remove it from my name. So I removed it, and now that ‘SYE’ is alone. When I first removed it I thought it was weird. That SYE has lost it meanings. My name has lost it’s real meaning. My name somehow, has lost it’s identity.

Ever since then, I paired it up with lots of different name but nothing ever sticks. All of them just feel so wrong. ‘Sye’ is so short that it has no real feeling to it so I keep on pairing names to suit that ‘Sye’.

I know it wasn’t just about the name. And I know the reason why nothing ever feels right about name that I came up with.

It’s because..They has no soul. No meaning. They were just something I came up with to cover up the holes, the emptiness that I felt on my name.

And as long as I feel the need to cover the holes up, it will never be perfect.

Because the truth is, all along, I have been seeing it as holes. Empty. Lonely. I never saw it as independent, strong solo, or beautifully-standing-alone name. It has always to pair up with something else to make it whole.

It took me so long to realize this; ‘Sye’ is a beautiful name. It’s not that it has holes, it’s just wounded. I don’t have to pair it up, I just need to let it bloom so that it can evolved to something much more beautiful.

Now, my name has bloomed.

SYLLUVIA.

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